Part 4: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Shame. Shame, Self-Compassion & Relational Healing

Clinical psychologist Dr Matt Slavin on why insight alone doesn't dissolve shame and what the research says actually does.

I did something different this week.

Instead of writing and editing and thinking and editing again, I sat in my garden in Auckland, hit record, and just talked. It’s one take, messy, imperfect and deliberately so. Because Part 4 of this shame series is about exactly that.

You can't think your way out of shame. You have to relationship your way out of it.

I talk through what that actually looks like, why noticing and labelling matters before anything else, what Kristin Neff's research says to those of you who use self-criticism as a performance tool (it's not working the way you think), and why this is slow work but transformational work.

I also share some of my own stuff. I'm a clinical psychologist and I still struggle with shame readily, with anxiety, with mood, with relationships. Why wouldn't I?

Click the thumbnail or watch part 4 here

If you're just joining: Part 1 · Part 2 · Part 3

Four parts and I feel like we've barely scratched it. But that's where I'll leave shame for now… next week something new.

As always, feel free to reply with reflections or questions.

You can reply directly or share your thoughts anonymously here.

Matt

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Dr Matt Slavin

Clinical & Performance Psychologist · Auckland · Online

Dr Matt Slavin is a clinical and performance psychologist based in Auckland, New Zealand, working with high-performing individuals, leaders, and organisations.

Shame is one of the most common threads running through the work - in therapy rooms, leadership consulting, and workplace wellbeing workshops and keynotes across New Zealand.

Not sure where to start? Get in touch and tell me a little about what you're navigating. I'll point you in the right direction.