Why You Don’t Hear The World As It Is. You Hear the It As You Are
Dr Matt Slavin, Clinical & Performance Psychologist on the psychology of perception, emotional state, and why compliments sometimes don’t land.
Some moments in life just make you laugh.
Yesterday, I was walking through the park, trying to get some fresh air before picking my daughter up from school, when a guy walked past me wearing this bright orange Hawaiian shirt.
And I loved it (I have a thing for bright-coloured clothes… my bright purple crocs are a good example of this).
So as he walked past, I gave him the classic man nod and said:
“Love your shirt.”
He stopped dead.
He turned around slowly, wide-eyed, completely blank-faced, and just stared at me as though I’d said something outrageous.
So I repeated myself.
“I said… I love your shirt.”
And his whole expression changed.
“Oh my God,” he laughed awkwardly. “I thought you said, ‘I love your shit.’”
I burst out laughing.
“No,” I said. “It was a compliment...”
“Yeah, yeah, thanks, thanks,” he replied quickly, still recovering from the misunderstanding, before carrying on walking his dogs.
The whole exchange lasted less than 10 seconds, but it really did make me giggle.
And it really did make me think. I thought about it all the way back to my daughter’s school.
What just happened? How and why did it play out like that?
I wondered, how often has that man received a compliment from another man whilst walking his dogs? I assume, not very often.
So when a stranger spoke to him unexpectedly, what did he hear? Clearly… not a compliment.
It seems to me that his brain didn’t process my gesture as warmth, or friendliness. It processed the interaction through caution, from the look in his eyes, something even stronger… threat?, and attack?
One thing’s for certain.
We do not simply see or hear the world as it is.
We hear it through the lens of our emotional state, our past experiences, our expectations of other people, and our deeply held beliefs about ourselves.
If you are anxious, stressed, ashamed, overwhelmed, or hypervigilant, the world is seen and heard through that lens.
The emotional state you are residing in shapes the meaning you assign to the world around you.
Some of that comes from early life, yes, and from how your attachment relationships have shaped your worldview… what you learned about people, safety, closeness, conflict, criticism, and trust.
But it’s also true that your day-to-day emotional state massively affects perception in the present moment too.
Your background, culture, and socio-economic-political reality will bias you toward certain emotional states more than others, but your current emotional condition still powerfully influences how you interpret reality.
Things like - How much praise you can take in. How easily you laugh things off. How connected you feel to others. How present you are. How much beauty you notice. How much danger you anticipate.
And how open you are to a random man complimenting you in the park.
In my world of work, there are broadly two ways we begin changing the amount of danger, anticipation, and threat someone lives in and anticipates from their life.
One is the deep work.
The work of returning to the roots and foundations beneath our reactions. Exploring the old learning, emotional wounds, attachment patterns, memories, and protective strategies that taught the nervous system what to expect from people and from the world. This is where approaches like EMDR can be incredibly powerful in helping the brain and body finally realise: that was then, this is now.
The other is skilled-based work for the here-and-now.
I love a good metaphor. So if the deep work can be likened to going to the depth of the ocean and changing the currents that pull you… the here-and-now work is about teaching you how to surf the waves.
And learning how to surf, in this context, is about developing the ability to notice your emotional state as it’s happening. Catching the shift into threat before it takes over. Learning how to pause, step back, regulate, ground yourself, reconnect, and steer yourself toward a different emotional state altogether.
Both approaches (working in the depths and learning to surf) change what you see, and hear.
And both change the kind of world you end up living inside.
Next week, I’ll show you the 3 key emotional systems we live in
drive,
threat
soothe
and how they shape almost every interaction, reaction, relationship and decision we make
But for now…
Maybe take a moment to notice the lens you’ve been looking through lately.
And if a man in a bright orange Hawaiian shirt compliments you in the park this week…
… hopefully you hear “shirt.”
As always, feel free to reply with reflections or questions.
And if something in this resonated - if you recognise the lens you've been looking through, or you see it in the people around you - that's a good beginning.
If you’re looking to change how you see and experience the world, or build a team that responds from a steadier, more grounded place, that's exactly what I'm here for.
I'd love to help you get to a place where compliments land the way they were meant to.
Hit reply, or click on the website links below to find out more.
Matt
Dr Matt Slavin
Clinical & Performance Psychologist · Auckland · Online
Dr Matt Slavin is a clinical and performance psychologist working with high-performing individuals, executives, and organisations globally
Based in Auckland, New Zealand, his work sits at the intersection of clinical psychology, performance, and leadership - helping people and teams understand how their inner state shapes the world they see, the decisions they make, and the way they respond under pressure.
Not sure where to start? Get in touch and tell me a little about what you're navigating. I'll point you in the right direction.
